As we want to be loved and inspired in a certain, individual, unique and very specific way, we want to be parented the same.
Being parents is more about finding our own way to be parented than to parent our own kids. Only after that we can parent others – just like being loved, we need to find our own way of love and to love ourselves before being able to feel and accept the love of others.
Kids are very clear on what they want – you most probably lost it and that’s why watching somebody else (a kid) will spark memories and bring illumination.
A very young child will choose the parent they want from the persons they interact with (be wary, it may be another kid or even a cat). If they are very young, they will stop crying when presented to that person and even find so much relief that you can feel it too. Don’t get jealous 🙂 just see what that person does better (differently) than you.
A slightly older child will become sunny-faced when seeing that person, and might even ask to go to them (or find their way in a way).
When children start playing with others in an unstructured way (even dress-up or make-believe), their preference becomes very obvious. Some pretends to be mothers (make no mistake, they are NOT imitating their own mother, even if it might seems so). They show their preference very clearly in the role they are owning (and creating). Some may be impetuous mothers, some may be very kind. Even boys may want to be mothers as they may perceive the role as deeply bonding. Some want to be fathers, some wants to be the child (meaning that their preference is fully aligned with the play-mother, play-father, play-siblings). Siblings may play an important role, as they may be perceived as peer, co-caregivers, collaboration and equal roles being a parenting model as well.
This window of opportunity for discovering our preference closes around the age of 10, when family games turn to a different dynamic.
If your kids are older, watch somebody else’s.
If you’re kids are older and you want to know how to parent them in a more meaningful way, recall their youngest years and their play preferences. You may find clues at older ages, should you look carefully, in the persons they admire or they feel at ease with. Just be aware.
If you find it difficult to parent them the way you see they want to be parented, go make peace with your own preferred pattern.
Then, parent them.
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