I have done everything for my child, I have sacrificed myself. (And I somehow regret it, unconsciously, this is something that I am feeling.)
You did NOT sacrificed yourself. The world of sacrifice does not exist in the Universe. What you did was what you thought was best for you, you – subconsciously – fulfilled your own desire. If the model you are parenting does not – consciously – feel fulfilling, it is because you are not accepting it at all your levels of being. Maybe it is because you have different mental “rules” – beliefs – that are overruled by your parenting, and, while seeing the consequences, you are happy, you cannot “criticize” yourself for breaking the rules and being un-loyal to society, “your family”. You may also feel a tension between what you would like to be, the status-quo, the things to be done as they have always been and nothing to change, and you desire – natural desire – to see the new, to grow. Accept the two apparently opposite “directions”, ’cause nothing is lost in the universe, and everything is transformed. And while you can educate yourself based on the methods you so much enjoyed, allow your child to choose theirs, to have their own experience. (To break the “you” stuff from “their’s” stuff is the best method to allow both you and the others to be happy at the same time).Recognize these “beloved” mental paths you are holding and allow them to happen for you one more time (or many times).
It may also happen because you are wounded, deeply, and behaving the way you do with your child only opens up the wound (and the memory) that your childhood caretakers – parents, family, educators, your closed ones – did not do it to you. You felt not respected, you felt unwelcome, you felt like a stranger. And you didn’t know what to do. You may heal the wounds now. Try meditation, professional help, inner development.
You may also feel spiritually challenged – the new baby, your child, may bluntly challenge the way you live, your spiritual path, your mission. You will than be happy – and (looks like) you have no alternative – rather to parent them dear to your heart, and the “regrets” you’re having are linked to your own soul mission, your “growing” part. You can meet “you” and soul path in meditation, in personal and group retreats, in letting go of control and accepting the feeling of inadequacy, of loneliness, of boldness, of self love, of asking and receiving – pretty much the way your child does for themselves.
When you are mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically challenged, do NOT attempt to conclude that this is NOT the right parenting. Sometimes you are the children, and they are the parents. What would you do?
(ps you may accept growing, letiing the happiness flood your being – and start over from this level of consciousness, where you did “right”, where there’s abundance and you are fulfilled, you did a great “job”, your children are happy, and there’s a life, and a future you can trust. You may also beat yourself up. Remaining in the world of “there’s not enough”. YOU DID A GREAT JOB).
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